Is it really such a bad thing that there are perks to this demanding, stressful job?

Company Culture Why I, as CEO, Am Invoking my Right to Primae Noctis

By Peter Casciato

Is it really such a bad thing that there are perks to this demanding, stressful job?

While it’s become very popular in recent years to hate on CEOs, I’m here to say that we’ve been unfairly maligned. Sure, it’s easy to see our compensation packages and whine that it’s not fair—but the truth is, we’re working harder than anyone else at the company. Unlike the average employee, every decision I make ripples across the entire company, affecting thousands of employees, and more importantly,  the wallets of our stockholders. 

So is it really such a bad thing that there are perks to this demanding, stressful job? Of course not! We deserve our generous compensation, company cars, quarterly bonuses, and stock options. In fact, I think it’s time we take it a step further. As a reward for shepherding our great companies towards a bright future, we deserve the right to Primae Noctis 

That’s right, if you work for me, I’m going to fuck your wife.

Starting Q3 of 2022, I will be implementing a new policy by which I will claim the right of Primae Noctis with all newly wed employees. Previously married employees will have their wives Grandfathered into this program starting Q1 of 2023, or possibly sooner, depending on how many energy drinks I can get my hands on. 

Now I know what you’re thinking - “John, in light of the covid-19 pandemic, a good portion of our workforce is now fully remote. How do you intend to have sex with their wives?” And that’s a good question. Since the start of the pandemic, we’ve been fully committed to allowing remote work, and as such, I will happily engage in cyber sex with the wives of those workers. It’s clear that we’re living in a digital world, and there’s no reason that my penis shouldn’t be digital too. 

But don’t worry, as CEO of a fortune 500 company, I am uniquely positioned to give your wife one of the best sexual experiences of her life. In my decades of leadership experience, I have mastered the art of being firm, yet delicate with my subordinates, a key skill I will bring to the table while fucking your wife. I will also be fucking your wife on said table. Plus, what woman wouldn’t be turned on by the fact that she’s with someone who led the company to a 2.3% increase in new business in Q4 of 2019?

While many companies like to think of their employees as family, we’re now the only company where our employees will actually be family, specifically eskimo brothers. With the CEO. So I ask you: won’t you, and your wife, take my hand, as we journey into this bold new future of corporate leadership?