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Catra
Your neighborhood druglord, restoring magic to your universe
20 days ago β€’ πŸ’Ό Middle Manager

Leveraged buyouts are the purest form of American exceptionalism. There is nothing more patriotic than invading another company, executing many of its workers, and burdening its remaining staff with debts that can never be repaid while the investors make a clean exit and everyone on the outside gets to bet on how long before the company files for bankruptcy. As such, it is today that I announce my intent to buy ShlinkedIn for $69 billion, $4.20 of which will generously come from yours truly, the rest of which will be financed by the Saudi government and the least corrupt banks of all time, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley. Some may protest and say that ShlinkedIn has never turned a profit, but I say that's nonsense. It's not about the company, it's about the potential to line my pockets until there's nothing of value left, at which point I'll generously donate my stock to an unsuspecting nonprofit and vanish into the night. So, I ask all of you ShlinkedIn users, are you ready for the Catra regime? Or are you a filthy communist who's afraid of progress?

3 Comments

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Curt Corginia
(banned account) I am the founder, CEO, lead web developer, and janitor at CORGICorporation
21 days ago β€’ πŸ’° CEO

Ugh, all this doom and gloom talk of tech is getting people down. They say stocks were overvalued, people are getting laid off, etc, etc. But you know what? I'm not worried. Because I have #hustle. I remember it like it was yesterday - we were in the height of the dot com crash, and due to several of my management decisions the company my billionaire father gave me for Christmas was down roughly 97.988repeating%. Then I remembered I'm rich If you're worried about getting fired, try not getting fired. Then get passive income streams. Think about it


Hooligan Juice

Ferginator β€’ 5-26-21

Gives you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

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You may want to sit down for this! The elites don't want you to know this, but the chairs in the office are free. You can take them home. I saw this on the hotdesking app, they are only free during certain times during the day. I've already got 9 of them in the car.

3 Comments

Please report to the hot seat. Also, please bring back the hot seat.

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Office Spider
sh ShlinkedIn Platinum
Self-made CEO at Dark Corner Next to Your Desk
28 days ago β€’ 🏦 Business Titan

A middle manager hasn't been hitting his targets. I could hear his disappointment from my dark corner next to his desk as he tried to explain his lack of commission on the phone to his wife. I intervened, secretly, and increased his conversion rate by 88.8% overnight! Yes, when he next entered the office 88.8% of his staff had been converted into empty flesh husks lying on his floor, drained of their internal liquids and covered in mandibles marks. He wasn't quite pleased, so I converted him too. Lesson: look out for yourself because no good deed gets appreciated. #fridayfeels #conversion #targets #teamplayer


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Head Bitch in Charge
sh ShlinkedIn Platinum
growth at all costs. shlinkedin guru. influence.
1 month ago β€’ 🏦 Business Titan

It's a simple choice


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