Philanthropy Genius Billionaire Offers to be Multiverse's Most Disappointing BatmanBy Taceaux (Ph.D)
One Social Media Platform. One Quest for Vengeance.
Remember that scene in Batman Begins when Bruce Wayne brings two smokin’ hot ladies into a hotel restaurant, they start swimming in the fountain and the restaurant manager says, “You can’t do that,” and then Bruce says, “I’m buying this hotel and setting some new rules about the pool area?”
Elon Musk proved to be that guy in 2018 when he dipped his own testicles in the metaphorical fountain (Twitter) by tweeting about potentially taking Tesla private. Musk was subsequently sued by the villainous SEC because key details of these terms hadn’t been made clear in his tweets. After Musk and Tesla each agreed to pay $20 million dollars in fines, court documents show he vowed vengeance against the very thing in which he dipped his balls: Twitter.
Musk brooded like an emo kid at a Hot Topic for four years complaining about being cash poor and promising to sell physical possessions while simultaneously buying jets and sending penis-shaped rockets to space.
Then the year of 2022 called him to rise up. With a pandemic entering its third year, inflation at an all-time high, and Ukraine getting bad-touched like a goat at a frat party, Musk knew it was time to act. He would use his wealth to help the people. By finally... buying the fountain into which he continually dipped his own balls.
Musk showed he was capable of out-riddling the Riddler with the timing of his purchases:
- He first reached a 5% stake on March 14th (Pi Day)
- He became a majority shareholder with a 9.13% stake on April 1st (April Fool’s). It was, “a joke too meta for Meta,” insiders quote him as saying. Another source reveals that he laughed maniacally for hours when told he violated securities laws by not notifying the SEC within 10 days of reaching a 5% stake.
- On April 4th, the feastday for Saint Isidore of Seville, who is the actual patron saint of the internet, Musk agreed to a deal to be appointed to Twitter’s board of directors. An anonymous source close to Musk disclosed he was wearing briefs over sweatpants and a cape made out of a throw rug.
In his final bid as the metaverse’s worst Batman, Musk offered to buy all of Twitter today using a mere 16% of his wealth ($43 billion). A rare move that surprised both fans and foes, he bothered to actually tell the SEC this time. Musk revealed his motives for the buyout to be, “an edit button and the world’s most expensive homeless shelter.”