Your neighborhood druglord, restoring magic to your universe
1 year ago • 💼 Middle Manager

Leveraged buyouts are the purest form of American exceptionalism. There is nothing more patriotic than invading another company, executing many of its workers, and burdening its remaining staff with debts that can never be repaid while the investors make a clean exit and everyone on the outside gets to bet on how long before the company files for bankruptcy. As such, it is today that I announce my intent to buy ShlinkedIn for $69 billion, $4.20 of which will generously come from yours truly, the rest of which will be financed by the Saudi government and the least corrupt banks of all time, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley. Some may protest and say that ShlinkedIn has never turned a profit, but I say that's nonsense. It's not about the company, it's about the potential to line my pockets until there's nothing of value left, at which point I'll generously donate my stock to an unsuspecting nonprofit and vanish into the night. So, I ask all of you ShlinkedIn users, are you ready for the Catra regime? Or are you a filthy communist who's afraid of progress?


@hbic ShlinkedIn Platinum will now cost $66.66/mo. My executive bonuses aren't going to pay themselves!


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